Wait, What?
by Blackgate Transfer
Summary: Jim saves girl. Girl mocks Jim. Jim stares in disbelief. Spock smirks.
1. Chapter 1

I'm placing this in the Star Trek: 2009 category rather than the Star Trek: The Original Series for this reason: The new Star Trek movies have added personalities to the characters, personalities I have not seen in the original TV show. The playboy/party-boy Jim Kirk was not seen in the 60's.

* * *

"Hey, Thpock, whath th' name of thith new planet we're vithiting?" Said one Captain James T. Kirk, his mouth full of macaroni and liquid cheese running down his chin.

"Captain Kirk, is the practice of speaking with food in one's mouth not considered unacceptable in human culture?" Replied First Officer Spock.

"Yuh didn't anthuh my quethtion, Mithter Thpock. Ath yuh captain, I command yuh to, mm, ah, that was a good bowl of mac and cheese, I command you to tell me the name of that planet!" Jim yelled, banging the table at the end.

Spock stared at Jim with a typical Vulcan look of confusion, pity, and superiority mixed together before responding.

"The planet, is not 'new,' as you say, captain. It was a center of Federation trade for thirty years until its recent retirement. Despite its inactivity, a distress signal was received from the area three days ago."

"When was it declared inactive?"

"In the past two weeks, captain."

"Who's been there in the past two weeks?"  
"A group from Junior Starfleet, an extra-curricular summer program for children between the ages of ten and seventeen. One child was reported missing yesterday."

"Junior Starfleet? I made a speech at their headquarters last year. Those kids will go crazy. Get in, sign a couple of autographs, find the kid, sign another autograph, maybe get somebody's sister's phone number."

"I must warn you, captain, there are reports of a violent alien on the island. The brief glimpse of the creature did not provide enough information to determine species."

"Eh, it's probably just a Klingon cousin. Mr. Spock, set the coordinates. There is a child to be saved and a scared, female, relative to comfort!"

* * *

Is this humorous? I keep putting stories in the humor category without ever being sure that they're funny.


	2. Chapter 2

"Hey, Spock?" Said Jim.

"Yes, Captain?"  
"What's this place called?"  
"Gree."  
"Huh?"  
"The planet is called Gree."

"What is that in English?"

"Gree. After the first sound heard by the team that discovered it."

"Oh. So, where's the chaperone?" Jim said, already going through his list of cheap and tasteless pick-up lines.  
"The chaperone is male, captain. I am sure that, until we acquire a map of the area in which the child is believed to have disappeared, you can find some thing to do. _Besides_ shameless flirtation, that is." Said Spock, dashing away Jim's hopes.  
"Spock, I do things besides flirt shamelessly." Jim replied, secretly deflated.

Spock raised an eyebrow.

Two months into their five-year mission, and Jim was bored. He took on the assignment hoping to discover new planets and the poor, isolated female inhabitants of said planets. So far, the U.S.S. Enterprise had journeyed to one undiscovered planet. Conveniently for Jim, there were no women. He was becoming stir crazy, if it is possible for one to be so when traveling through space. Of course, he was always interrupted in his melancholy by the upset of his Chief Medical Officer

"Jim! This nimrod won't let me perform a medical check!" Yelled Dr. McCoy, in his usual, irritable tone.

"There appears to be a conflict brewing between the group's chaperone and Dr. McCoy." Spock observed.

"Yes, Mr. Spock. I can see that, Mr. Spock." Jim said with clenched teeth.

"Jim, an unidentified alien was seen on this planet. There are at least three hundred non-humanoid aliens who are known to emit poisonous gases. The only reason we don't know about any more is because their victims never lived to tell the tale. A vaccination might be required immediately!"  
"Bones-"

"Jim, I don't know about you, but I am not going to be responsible for the deaths of twelve children because some people still believe the ravings of some twenty-first century actress who was dumber than a box of rocks! If you think-"  
"Bones! They've already been checked by a doctor."

"...Oh. Well, they still could have been infected in between now and-"

"Twenty seconds ago?"

"It's possible."

"Bones, go back to the ship."

"Actually, captain, the doctor will stay with us for now. We have received a map of the area. The search may be conducted now."

Three hours later, the playboy captain, the half-Vulcan, half-human First Officer, and the cantankerous Chief Medical Officer were still trudging through the green and yellow grass of the planet Gree. And they had found nothing, human, alien, or otherwise.

"Captain, this search is proving to be futile." Mr. Spock said, breaking the silence.

Just as he said that, the trio heard a scream far to their left. They stopped and looked. From that same direction, they saw rustling in the trees, coming closer and closer.

"Mr. Spock, ready your phaser."

They heard more screeches and screams until, finally, something burst out of the trees. "It" turned out to be a young human girl.

"Oh, Starfleet, my rescuers! Quick, there's a cave on the other side that the slimeball won't enter!" She said, still running and zooming past Jim.  
"Wha- hold on! I'm Captain Kirk. What's the slimeball?" Jim said, running to keep up and nearly tripping.

"I don't know, but it's definitely- did you say Kirk?"  
"Yeah."

"Oh, my gosh, You're still in Starfleet! If we live, I'm reporting this."

"Wait, what?"

I watched Into Darkness again, so I tried to make them more like the characters. Did I do it right?


End file.
